I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
