Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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