marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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