I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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