can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
