The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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