My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
