dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
