last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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