Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
