He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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