Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
