and you said cock pushups were impossible
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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