five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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