ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
