i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
