I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
