I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
