The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
