I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
