when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
