she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
