I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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