One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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