Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
