Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm really busy with my period
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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