I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
