You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
