I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
