dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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