dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
