I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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