"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
