I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
