I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
