Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
