I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
