Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
