did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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