We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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