So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
