Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
