You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
