I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
