you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Someone came in the potted fern
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
