found the other keg... it's in the tree
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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