it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
