I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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