I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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