i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
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Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
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to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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