Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
