Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I stole a fireplace last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
