I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
