I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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